The Myth of Balance

Sam Henderson photography

In the midst of exciting preparations for our upcoming women’s yoga retreat, I sat down for a moment to think about my poem. Recently while students are in savasana at the end of yoga class with me, I read them a poem I’ve written.

But when I started thinking about the typical wellness-y March Equinox theme of “balance,” (you’ll encounter this theme at every yoga studio on every corner from now through the third week of March) I knew I wouldn’t be able to write a poem about balance…and let alone teach about balance…because I’ve actually never known it. You read that right. I just don’t know it.

I’ve never known balance—

… as a middle class child of immigrants living among America’s 1%. Living among America’s wealthiest families (more on that another time) had its advantages…and leads to burnout quickly when you’re always striving to “fit in.”

…dealing with lifelong GI issues resulting from the aforementioned daily stresses…I was at the doctor for the same issues as recently as three days ago

…burning the candle at both ends working for 8 years in a career that wasn't my dharma

…living the entrepreneur’s life for the past 6 years where Sunday feels like Tuesday and Friday feels like Sunday and I must be ready and available to satiate the demands of the capitalist machine at any moment

I wonder if YOU’VE ever known balance either? Have you ever felt balanced—

…as a mom giving up your career to stay home to take care of your kids because you live in a country that doesn’t think childcare is a social priority?

…watching your husband get promotion after promotion on the back of your free labor?

…speaking up for collective liberation?

…demanding your tax dollars don’t go straight into the pockets of weapons manufacturers?

…advocating for accountability in a system that seems to have none?

Let me tell you this—

Life’s biggest decisions never come from a place of balance. At least not mine anyway. Even in the sixth year of entrepreneurship, I think about giving up and getting a soul-sucking tech job to pay my bills more often than I would like to admit. What keeps me putting one foot in front of the other on the entrepreneur's journey? It’s sure not the balanced part of me that says OK Marisa dear, let’s sit down and calmly and pull out your P&L. See, in Q1 you actually did pretty good on paper. That is definitely not the part of me that giggles, brushes my hair off to one side of my face and agrees oh you’re right, I can make that little tweak here and here and optimize in Q2 that keeps me going. Far from it. The part of me that keeps me committed to my cause, my values, and my vision is the most burned out part of me—that part of me that grieves the loss of a young girl’s sense of identity in a society that asks us to be anything other than ourselves, the most passionate part of me that wants to encourage YOU too to show up and live your special dharma, the most fiery part of me that is relentless and never gives up, the part of me that knows what it feels like to continue to show up even when the tank is indeed completely empty. The part of me that could never look my clients, my business partners, and my community sponsors in the face and say I sold out. I gave up on everything we were doing individually and collectively because I wasn’t gritty enough, I wasn’t resilient enough, couldn’t dig deep enough. That’s what keeps me going. That deepest fear of disappointing and letting down my inner circle of women.

Have you heard the word satsang? From sat, meaning truth, and sang, from sangha, meaning your spiritual group of friends, supporters, and associates. It’s not the whitewashed myth of balance that keeps me going. It’s my satsang—that collective of women who GET me and who I have vowed to never disappoint. I must show up with my business, my offerings, my lessons and my teachings as a beacon of light to them to keep them going on their darkest days, and then on my darkest days, they reflect that same light back. I could never look at my girls and say yo! I took my special talents and threw in the towel. Nope.

So THAT’S what I’m offering you on March 17th in San Anselmo at our retreat. I would never sit in that circle with you and feed you that bullsh*t lie from the social media wellness complex that “if you just practice harder, you will achieve balance.” (When you hear someone say that garbage, your privilege radar alarm bell should be going at 11, and you turn and run the other way from the toxic narrative of “wellness”.) I will sit there in that circle with you and acknowledge that we are living in times that are systematically, intentionally, and habitually set up to keep us depleted and unbalanced, and that if we are ever going to actualize the world we want for ourselves, our businesses, our families, the next generation, we are going to have to get really clear on who our friends are and stick together so that we can dig deep and take turns tagging each other in and out to do the work on those tough days when we feel like we. just. can’t. keep. going. To keep reflecting the eternal light of yoga back and forth to each other as if our future depended on it, because it does. Our gathering on 3/17 is so much more than just whatever comes to mind when you hear “yoga retreat.” Women coming together to sit in circles to encourage each others’ efforts for healthy bodies, bodily autonomy, and self-care is a politically, socially, and economically-fueled action that must be established and repeated until we get there—to that magical place of liberation and peace we hold in our hearts, and I know you hold that place in your heart, too. So if it was on your 2024 to-do list to be more socially, politically, or economically engaged around supporting causes you care about most, then this is your chance to say YES to your well-being and say YES to forging relationships with likeminded community members and say YES to supporting women-owned businesses.

I will share with you on 3/17 the only things that have ever kept me fueled on this journey toward individual and collective liberation—1. that special kind of flow state that can be achieved during an intelligently-curated yoga asana experience based on years of personal practice and extensive training that I can offer you. 2. We’ll work up an appetite and settle into another thing that keeps me fueled—vegetarian Ayurvedic coconut curry made by my dear friend Nimisha.

So no, you won’t get a poem from me touting the benefits of a “balanced life.” I can promise to offer the truth of the challenges of undertaking a spiritual life in the world in which we find ourselves living today. I can hold the space for you to fill your cup on 3/17. I will be someone you can count on to encourage you to undertake your life’s special and unique work to create the world you want to live in today, in 2024, and beyond. And everytime you think you want to give up, I will shine that fiery light right back at you so that you can keep going. You need to keep going. I need to keep going. 🌏 The world needs you to keep going. Until we get there.

💫 Sending love, light, and hugs from,

Marisa